Friday, January 23, 2009

The Great Question

Life is full of What-ifs. You know, the question that begs to ask what if something absolutely important had been or will be completely different because of one little decision that was made at the beginning of said something. Questions like, what if there is life on other planets? Or what if Felicity had gone with Noel instead of Ben? Or what if TLC hadn't turned down "...Baby, one more time"? Every question is important if it has "what if" in front of it, but today I bring you the ULTIMATE What-if. A What-if SO great it'll have you asking "What if I never found this blog??" The question, ladies and gentlemen: What if HEATHERS had been directed by STANLEY KUBRICK?!

You see, when writer Daniel Waters finished his screenplay for the now cult fav film Heathers, he originally wanted Stanley Kubrick to direct it. He said that "Kubrick was the only person who could get away with a three-hour film". I know this is true because I read it on wikipedia, and on two other sites as well, so it's a fact. What if, right now, Heathers was a 3 hour piece of magic sitting along side your copy of Lolita and Full Metal Jacket as apart of the Stanley Kurbrick dvd collection? What if Heathers was a 3 hour epic depiction of teenaged angst and the ways in which people glamorize tragedy? Okay, so it's still an epic depiction of teenaged angst and the ways in which people glamorize tragedy, but what if it was three hours long and was directed by THE Stanley Kubrick?! Would Winona Ryder be in it? Would it contain such life changing lines as "Why are you pulling my dick, Heather"? Would it (somehow) be better? Would I have ever been able to sit through it all? So very many questions, but the truth is, I don't really mind that it wasn't directed by Mr. Kubrick. The film, as I see it, is perfect the way it is, something so rare and special that it literally instills in me that belief that everything happens for a reason. Or whatever. Point is, everything about this movie fell into place perfectly, in my opinion, it's just a miracle. Plus, Stanley Kubrick turned the script down, so it's not like scheduling conflicts or something got in the way of his directing it, he just didn't want to. I too read that on wikipedia, so it too is true. Still though, you gotta wonder what the world would be like today if Mr. Kubrick had said yes to the project. I know I'll be thinking about it for days to come.

But for every "What if" that turns out to be a miracle, theres one that creates an absolute travesty. Take for instance, mentioned above, the fact that TLC turned down the song "...Baby, one more time" and it was then given to Britney Spears, wherem the song catapulted her to immediate fame and changed everybodys lives forever. God, just knowing that if only one small decision had been made differently that maybe now noone would care about what Britney Spears is doing is enough to make me spew burrito chunks.

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